Woke Up New.

Two weeks ago, I had a visit from the new lady in my life. She took a bus eight hours from five hundred miles away to visit me for a weekend. It was the most amazing weekend in recent memory. I am in awe that life can really be like this, especially after giving up hope so long ago. Last weekend, I made the same trip north to see her for a day and a half. I met warm, welcoming people, and solidified plans to move to a new city.

I feel like I was begging the universe for a way out of a deep rut, and this beautiful and perfect situation appeared in front of me. Even if the relationship doesn't work out for whatever unforseen reason, I will appreciate the new outlook it's given me.

Two Thursdays ago, however - my dad came with me to a therapy session. While I don't care to go into heavy detail, he was extremely unsupportive of my identity. Trans people simultaneously baffle and disgust him, and he says that he will never call me by a new name, or refer to me with male pronouns. He is dead set on seeing me as his daughter, along with the identity he's created around that idea. I don't harbor negativity towards him for this - and it was actually a huge deal for him to show up in the first place. He hates therapy, and he was simultaneously condescending, defensive, and agressive during the whole session.

I am very happy with my life right now, and hope that he will come around before I'm his age. He vaguely threatened that there would be serious repercussions (whatever that means in this case) if I change my body permanently. I didn't press it, but I figured that would happen. He doesn't know that I've started on hormones, and I don't really plan to tell him until real changes start becoming apparent. I want to set up a life for myself when I move to Minneapolis, just in case he freaks out. I feel very empowered by the steps I'm taking to realize my own life.

I know that at the very least, my dad loves me and only wants what's best for me. I think that the main problem is how he views "trans-ness" and gender in general. He feels like this is an emotional problem, cry for help, or a grab for attention. It also seems that he feels he can control what I do by resisting as hard as possible. Hopefully, he can someday see that I'm perfectly capable of deciding what's best for me, as a rational adult.

At the end of the session, he asked if I see myself as someone who does things for attention. I said that while I might like unconventional things sometimes, I really don't do them for that reason. My therapist surprised me by saying that I was one of the most considerate and conscientious people she's ever met, and that she doesn't think I do things to get attention. While I'm also generally pretty embarassed about tooting my own horn, I wanted to include that in here. While her saying that seemed almost over the line, it made me feel as though I had a true ally, as well as a therapist with my best interest in mind. Awesome.

Today is technically a month after my first testosterone injection, although I changed the actual injecting to a day earlier. As far as physical and emotional changes go, they've been fairly noticeable so far.

The physical:

I've noticed that the skin on my face is a bit rougher. I think I look a little different from "pre-T" photos I took a month ago. For whatever reason, my sinuses clear up significantly a day or two after injecting. This is a huge bonus, as I've had sinus issues for years. My voice has already deepened a bit, and I can go into a lower register without feeling choked by my voicebox. I'm not big on trying to speak with a lower voice, but it comes more naturally when I want it to. From time to time, my throat tingles in a way I've never felt before. It's almost like drinking something carbonated, but in my windpipe instead of my esophagus. I assume that it's my larynx, or the muscles surrounding it.

I am no longer menstruating (no "spotting" either, yay)...pretty much the best realization ever. I think it's an amazing and wonderful process, and yay for other people bleeding every month. It just always felt foreign and bad for my body, and I'll appreciate not having to battle crippling cramps twelve times a year.

My complexion is still pretty oily now, but I'm back using the Proactiv system to battle acne, and some generic face wipes for greasy feelings in the middle of the day. My sex drive isn't "through the roof" or anything, but it's definitely heightened. I am still fully in control of what's going on in my head, though - which was my only main concern. The new relationship is helping immensely, and it's driven me to accept my body in ways I always struggled with before. I still want to change it, but I don't feel like I need to put up a wall until that happens.

Even though I've been slacking on the gym, I feel a bit stronger and some muscles have a little more definition. The winter weather hasn't bothered me nearly as much, and I feel warmer in general.

The mental/emotional:

I feel very confident and empowered (to use that word again) regarding my sense of self and control over my own life. I used to have thousand things running through my head sometimes, and as of late, my mind is very quiet. I can think about a single topic and stick with it. If I have nothing I'm actively thinking about, I just default into thinking about/humming a song. I've noticed that in the day or two following an injection, I am so calm that I almost feel high.

My therapist described a brain flooded with testosterone as having a "winding path" between having a thought, and reaching a feeling about it. This is in contrast to a brain flooded with estrogen, which would have more of a highway between the two. I don't know how true this is, or will end up being. I look forward to figuring it out in the future.