CWHC

Today, I had my first gynecological exam at the Chicago Women's Health Center. My partner R. gave the staff rave reviews, and I was long past due.

The last time I went to the doctor, I had the flu. It didn't go away for about a week, and my dad took me in to make sure I wasn't dying of anything. My current doctor's office is in the suburbs – we found it through a family friend who works there. The place kind of sets me on edge, though up until recently I haven't had any major problems with the doctors. My regular physician is female and very easy to talk to. However, when I went in with the flu, things were different.

I was stuck with a drop in doctor, since I hadn't made much of an appointment and my regular doctor was out that day. Of course I was told to drink lots of liquids and get lots of rest. One more small mark on my insurance history for the same expensive advice. The drop in doctor saw my tattoos and asked if any were recently done. I said yes, but I only go to extremely clean tattoo shops. He brushed this off and said that he wouldn't want to let me go without testing for hepatitis anyway – just in case.

I doubted highly that any of the clean, professional tattoo artists and shops I go to gave me hepatitis. But I figured a blood test would legitimize my several hours of time wasted at this office. Time I should have been chugging liquids and resting. I asked the drop in doctor if I could be tested for any STIs as well, if they were going to be taking blood anyway. The response I got was awful. “Why? What are you worried about?” “Nothing, I just figured it would be a good idea.” “Do you think you have anything?” “No, but I thought I would be responsible and get tested regularly, since I'm sexually active.” “Do you practice safe sex?” “Yes...but unless you're abstinent, you can still catch certain things...?” “Well...I guess we could do it.”

I think I could feel the self confidence evaporating out my ears. I wanted to ask him who the fuck he thought he was, and why he thinks preventative care is such bullshit. Why being responsible and considerate are somehow wrong. I doubt this guy was a celibate virgin. I doubt he had the most sparkling record. But for me, with the capital F on my record, asking such a sexually loaded question - I was dirty, slutty, and up to no good. And the message I got was that I should start fucking feeling that way, like a good woman. And this was my doctor, if only for the day. Not some asshole gym teacher subbing for health class, or a priest, or my strict grandmother. And christ – even one of my grandmothers probably would have told this guy to fuck off.

I got my test results back a few weeks after that. In the letter, following my good news, was a note from the drop in doctor. In big bold letters, he added: “BE CAREFUL.” I haven't been back since.

Today I walked up a tall white marble staircase, into an office with cheesy wood paneling. Just like my office at work. I was greeted warmly, and handed a clipboard and some forms to fill out. The waiting room is as inviting as it can be, with comfortable lighting, chairs, and lots of relevant and interesting literature. I got there early, so I had plenty of time to fill out the forms without rushing. I got to a section that I see pretty rarely, if ever, anywhere. The Gender section. There was a spot for transgendered that I happily checked off. I wrote in a side note that I generally go by Artie and use male pronouns. I flipped through a big book of hand-written reviews of the CWHC, some of which were years old. All the ones I read were positive. Some talked about being nervous for their first time, but loving it anyway. Some talked about their visits over several years, and how their children are going to the CWHC now. Most thanked the Center for existing. It was pretty overwhelming, and beautiful.

When the health worker called me in, she used my preferred name and introduced herself as A. She reminded me immediately of my friend S., and continued to do so throughout the entire visit. She even had the same voice, and a slightly chipper version of S's humor. Amazing. She asked if the CWHC could contact me for some information on how to make the Center more comfortable for FTMs. I agreed, saying I was happy to help.

I had my blood pressure taken, a pap smear, a general “business” inspection, a chest exam, and blood drawn. I would have had a cholesterol test done, but I you have to fast for 8 hours beforehand. I got some great comments about my tattoos, which strangely made things less awkward. The space heater, plastic speculum, and crocheted stirrups on the exam table were all-out class too. But there's just something about hearing someone's half sleeve tattoo plans while they're checking for breast tissue lumps that speeds everything up.

I paid the high end on the sliding scale price – it was $35 - $115. I could afford $115, so I paid it. I was happy to pay full price for such a positive experience. No “BE CAREFUL”s or rude questions. I learned some important things, and I felt taken care of the entire time. Even if it's the Chicago Women's Health Center, I rarely felt out of place, and I don't think I once felt unwelcome, judged or uncomfortable (beyond “geez, I'm naked from the waist down in front of a stranger”). I'm happy to go back, and I feel like I'm doing something positive for my body. I would highly recommend the CWHC to other FTMs, as well as anyone else who they offer services to. Bonus sweet Snoopy sports bandages, if you were wondering.

February 6, 2008

It's a little over a month into the the new year, the year I will transition from "female" to male. This blog will be my documentation of the whole process. By definition, I guess I'm technically transgendered and transsexual. To simplify things, I use "trans" in conversation, and that will carry over here.

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From Wikipedia:

"Transgender is the state of one's "gender identity" (self-identification as male, female, both or neither) not matching one's "assigned gender" (identification by others as male or female based on physical/genetic sex). "Transgender" does not imply any specific form of sexual orientation; transgender people may identify as heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, polysexual or asexual. The precise definition for transgender remains in flux, but includes:

• "Of, relating to, or designating a person whose identity does not conform unambiguously to conventional notions of male or female gender, but combines or moves between these."^[1]

• "People who were assigned a gender, usually at birth and based on their genitals, but who feel that this is a false or incomplete description of themselves."^[2]

• "Non-identification with, or non-presentation as, the gender one was assigned at birth."^[3]

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So far, I am out to all of my friends, but not to my family or my boss. I have a supportive and understanding partner. I have yet to start any counseling, but I plan to start as soon as possible. Ideally I would at least like to be on hormones and out to my family/boss by the end of this year.

If I use any unfamiliar vocabulary while writing, comment and I'm happy to clarify anything. This should not end up being a day to day blog - mostly I'll be using it for new important stuff or past stories. Hopefully this can someday add to the small pile of information out there.