As the days tick away before I come out to my family, I feel like I'm standing in the eye of the storm. There seems to be so much going on, and I can't help but feel like I'm set to jump into a hurricane. I don't know if I've intentionally distanced myself from these things, or who I'm trying to protect if I am.
My dad and stepmom just had a baby. Another boy - which makes three of us in that part of the family. R drove me to visit everyone in the hospital, and we ended up having a fun, if awkward time. No "this is my girlfriend"s, just "have you met R?" introductions with some of my aunts and my stepmom's family. They eventually forced me to hold the new baby, even though I was terrified I'd drop him or something. For some reason, he was calm and sleepy with everyone else, and only started doing wiggly baby aerobics when I held him.
Part of me is really worried that coming out to my family is going to be seen as a grab for attention. I don't think it's founded in much, but it seems like the baby will add stress to my situation, and me coming out will do the same to my dad. But I'm convincing myself that it's a time of "new beginnings" or something. My other brother is going off to college, and while I'm stressing about sending him an email before he goes away, I might just have to roll with it. I have letters written for my paternal aunts and uncles, my college-age brother, and I need to tear through the rest.
Growing up, I saw my dad as some sort of encyclopedia. I used to ask him everything, and he usually had the answer. Sometimes it seems like he knows almost everyone in the city through some avenue. While he was driving me home from lunch last weekend, we were coming up on a small music venue that's down the street from my house. Out of nowhere, he says "Up on the left is [the venue] - the owner and I were on the same track and field team. I remember one time when he beaned this guy for messing with him during a race. I thought to myself, 'this guy is going places.'" When I was growing up, I had always wanted to see the place, especially since I was always too young to get into 21+ shows. The story reminded me of the fact that my dad was once both skinny and a runner - images he doesn't exactly inspire people to see in him now.
My mom was a huge jock growing up, and my parents were both big on volleyball when I was really young. My brother got most of the tall, skinny, sporty genes, and I got the short, Irish, busted everything genes. While I fit the family bill when I was in elementary school, after puberty, everything settled in uncomfortably and I started resembling a potato with long blond hair. I grew out of it somewhat, and once I started eating vegetarian (and finally vegan), I was much healthier and happier by the time I was 18 or so.
In the last few years, I've learned that biking is one of the best things in the universe. When I have a solid, comfortable enough bike available, I ride it everywhere. When my little fleet is screwed up for various reasons, it's extremely frustrating, though I do my best to ride as much as possible. I love the feeling of freedom, the simplicity, and the fact that it costs fairly little to maintain. Unfortunately - I got into a fairly bikeless rut for some time after an accident involving a reverend's minivan. That coupled with a legendary winter sent me into potatoville again. Now that I have hormones and surgery on the horizon, my health is my top priority. Even though I hate dealing with meathead gym employees and gendered locker rooms, I've decided to exercise as much as possible, but at least once a day during the work week. I was able to get a membership at the gym a few blocks from my house. So far so good - maybe when I have a little more testosterone in my system, I can make weightlifting a higher priority. For now, it's running and generally heart-healthy exercise. I guess if I can finally pull this off, I can do something as small as having a conversation with the family.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
F-A-G-E-T-T-E
Camp Trans was amazing.
Our friends were picking R and I up at my house, so she met me an hour or so before we left. I checked my email, and found a response from my boss.
She said that she was worried at first that I was quitting, due to the mysterious long email. I had hoped that her response would be positive, and it ended up exceeding my expectations. She is "100% supportive", and has conveniently had a friend transition. The friend is a trans guy as well. So it's pretty much the perfect starting place. My boss even said that she's excited about all of this, and she had a meeting with everyone in the office on Monday to explain things to the rest of the employees. Everyone was apparently fine with it, and I was told in the email that if anyone ends up having a problem, "they can leave".
There's a possible staff "retreat" in the works (nothing cheesy, just something fun and short) - some safe space to talk about serious concerns and bring everyone together. While the idea of a staff retreat is kind of hilarious to me, it's a whole different ballgame when your boss is a radical agnostic(?) trans-friendly queermo who would be just fine with capitalism ending tomorrow. Aside from some accidental pronoun slip ups here and there (which I expected), everything is going perfectly.
Anyway, R and I finally met up with our ride, and met a new friend who filled our remaining seat. After a quick lunch, we set out on what ended up being a fairly short ride. For those who don't know, Camp Trans started as a protest against the Michigan Women's Music Festival's "womyn born womyn" policy. There's a lot of controversy surrounding the policy, and lots of internet arguments for different sides. I personally think that the policy is unnecessary and transphobic. Lots of info is available on the Wikipedia page: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Camp_Trans
There has been a lot of work done to combat the policy, and this year, transwomen from Camp Trans were admitted into the Fest. They voluntarily outed themselves at the gate to contest the WBW policy, that has been changing in the past few years. When asked if their trans status would be an issue with getting a ticket, the gate staff replied "No, why would it be?"
My favorite part about Camp Trans was the feeling of being in a giant family. Everyone said hello to each other as they passed, conversations with random strangers felt comfortable and warm. My friends and I conveniently camped next to some of the most hilarious and rad kids in the known universe. I learned that Sailor Jerry spiced rum and A&W rootbeer are perfect for stargazing. One of the things I miss most in the city are the stars. In the middle of nowhere, you can see the milky way, dozens of shooting stars, and tiny satellites. In the city, the night sky is barf sherbet - purple, pink and orange all together. We found a natural clearing with winding anthills and strange beige ants. I got to show R how to find Polaris, the north star. I learned that "tired" is the best possible way of indicating you are over something, as in "that's a tired old scene" said in the faggiest voice available. I really wanted to keep all of my clothes smelling like campfire as long as possible, but I ended up washing them. Now I can't tell if I intentionally burned this bag of microwave popcorn or not.
Also, if you haven't heard of Athens Boys Choir: http://www.athensboyschoir.com/
Harvey Katz is the fucking bomb. #1 dude crush forever. ABC played at Camp Trans, and I got to be in a scavenger hunt with Harvey. Gotta love backwoods bonding with fagalicious mens.
Being back was kind of an out-of-body experience. Everyone at work seemed to be magically using different pronouns. It wasn't strange in a bad way, but after feeling like some undercover tranny spy for so long, I'm sure I'll be getting used to this for a while. Today, my boss had a friend come in for some temp work, and we bonded over Against Me! and the World/Inferno Friendship Society. Being out around guys in the not-just-my-friends "real" world is really strange. Part of me is itching to start more of a physical transition so I don't feel like so much of a weirdo, and part of me hates feeling that way in the first place. With women I can be dudely, with dudes I don't feel dudely enough. At least I don't feel like I have to physically transition to fit in, but it's a strange world of new dynamics and confusing bullshit.
But then again - one of the day's end, random songs on the radio during my first day back? Dude Looks Like A Lady. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.
Our friends were picking R and I up at my house, so she met me an hour or so before we left. I checked my email, and found a response from my boss.
She said that she was worried at first that I was quitting, due to the mysterious long email. I had hoped that her response would be positive, and it ended up exceeding my expectations. She is "100% supportive", and has conveniently had a friend transition. The friend is a trans guy as well. So it's pretty much the perfect starting place. My boss even said that she's excited about all of this, and she had a meeting with everyone in the office on Monday to explain things to the rest of the employees. Everyone was apparently fine with it, and I was told in the email that if anyone ends up having a problem, "they can leave".
There's a possible staff "retreat" in the works (nothing cheesy, just something fun and short) - some safe space to talk about serious concerns and bring everyone together. While the idea of a staff retreat is kind of hilarious to me, it's a whole different ballgame when your boss is a radical agnostic(?) trans-friendly queermo who would be just fine with capitalism ending tomorrow. Aside from some accidental pronoun slip ups here and there (which I expected), everything is going perfectly.
Anyway, R and I finally met up with our ride, and met a new friend who filled our remaining seat. After a quick lunch, we set out on what ended up being a fairly short ride. For those who don't know, Camp Trans started as a protest against the Michigan Women's Music Festival's "womyn born womyn" policy. There's a lot of controversy surrounding the policy, and lots of internet arguments for different sides. I personally think that the policy is unnecessary and transphobic. Lots of info is available on the Wikipedia page: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Camp_Trans
There has been a lot of work done to combat the policy, and this year, transwomen from Camp Trans were admitted into the Fest. They voluntarily outed themselves at the gate to contest the WBW policy, that has been changing in the past few years. When asked if their trans status would be an issue with getting a ticket, the gate staff replied "No, why would it be?"
My favorite part about Camp Trans was the feeling of being in a giant family. Everyone said hello to each other as they passed, conversations with random strangers felt comfortable and warm. My friends and I conveniently camped next to some of the most hilarious and rad kids in the known universe. I learned that Sailor Jerry spiced rum and A&W rootbeer are perfect for stargazing. One of the things I miss most in the city are the stars. In the middle of nowhere, you can see the milky way, dozens of shooting stars, and tiny satellites. In the city, the night sky is barf sherbet - purple, pink and orange all together. We found a natural clearing with winding anthills and strange beige ants. I got to show R how to find Polaris, the north star. I learned that "tired" is the best possible way of indicating you are over something, as in "that's a tired old scene" said in the faggiest voice available. I really wanted to keep all of my clothes smelling like campfire as long as possible, but I ended up washing them. Now I can't tell if I intentionally burned this bag of microwave popcorn or not.
Also, if you haven't heard of Athens Boys Choir: http://www.athensboyschoir.com/
Harvey Katz is the fucking bomb. #1 dude crush forever. ABC played at Camp Trans, and I got to be in a scavenger hunt with Harvey. Gotta love backwoods bonding with fagalicious mens.
Being back was kind of an out-of-body experience. Everyone at work seemed to be magically using different pronouns. It wasn't strange in a bad way, but after feeling like some undercover tranny spy for so long, I'm sure I'll be getting used to this for a while. Today, my boss had a friend come in for some temp work, and we bonded over Against Me! and the World/Inferno Friendship Society. Being out around guys in the not-just-my-friends "real" world is really strange. Part of me is itching to start more of a physical transition so I don't feel like so much of a weirdo, and part of me hates feeling that way in the first place. With women I can be dudely, with dudes I don't feel dudely enough. At least I don't feel like I have to physically transition to fit in, but it's a strange world of new dynamics and confusing bullshit.
But then again - one of the day's end, random songs on the radio during my first day back? Dude Looks Like A Lady. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Dude looks like a lady.
Last night, I wrote a fairly concise coming out email to my boss. I'm on my way to Camp Trans with my friends today, and I figured the extra vacation time would give my boss space to process everything. I found it almost too easy to write the email and send it. Now I know why - it's much harder to open up Gmail and see what she said. Keeping with the spirit of this blog, here's my email:
"R,
This email will eventually have a point, but please bear with me. I'm enjoying work - even though we all do similar things every day, it's nice to work at an office where the people are fun and easy to deal with. I think everything is progressing even more as of late. Unless I go insane or become physically incapable to do the job, I'll be around as long as I can/y'all will let me. Hooray. In that same vein, if anything goes horribly wrong while I'm gone - I'll have my phone to check messages, although it'll likely be off most of the time to save batteries.
Anyway. To get to the point - I'm not in therapy because of my mom. I'm trans. Specifically a trans dude/guy/man/whaaatever. Have been for a long time - free therapy is just a convenient bonus. I'm out to all of my friends, but obviously not at work, and not to my family. So hey, now I am. While I didn't want this letter/email to be a long time in the works, all areas of my life have fallen into the right place. And now (cue ominous movie music), it's time.
I decided to send this right as I was leaving on vacation, to give you time to process it and decide how you'd like to deal with the new information in the office. I'm not super great at having these kinds of conversations face-to-face, either. I'm not really worried that anything bad will happen (hopefully), but it seemed like a good way to handle it. I'm totally fine with you telling anyone related to [work] if you'd like to. I'm also okay with talking to people if need be. I'm going to be sending similar letters/emails to my family after I come back from vacation. So there's no real issue there after Septemberish, and it's not as if my dad really stops by the office and asks about any new pronouns or anything.
Once that's taken care of, I'm going to start hormones. Also, the reason I was absolutely ecstatic about my dad randomly giving me tons of money is that I'm going to use it to pay for top surgery. This will all hopefully be happening as soon as possible. I'm not 100% sure about the all ins and outs of name and gender changes yet (meaning, I know how to change a State ID but not how that compares to changing Payroll information). So until everything is taken care of, using my legal name for special legal things will just have to be an annoying reality. Kinda par for the course when dude (still) looks like a lady.
All of my friends call me Artie - short for Arthur, long for Art. All of these names are fine, but I prefer Artie. Male pronouns as well, please. Occasional slip-ups (from anyone in the office) will be taken in stride. As long as people are trying, I will be happy. I know this isn't a typical office issue, and I hope everyone will be respectful and mature about it. I guess if there's a major problem, I can work for [one of our suppliers] in Canada, land of liberal majesty and acceptance. But I'd prefer to avoid it if possible.
I'll be leaving around 10:30am tomorrow, so if you could send me a quick email (so I know you've read this), that would be great. If you're not in until later, like I said - my phone will be available for messages. Also, my preferred personal email is arthurkosz@gmail.com.
-A"
My boss is way into Aerosmith, which explains the joke. Last I checked, she's cool with transpeople and may have some trans friends. I was able to word the email a little more liberally because of this - with my less knowledgeable family, I plan on getting into a lot of different detail. I've written a draft to my teenage brother like this, and once it's finalized, it'll be up here too.
Maybe I'll open Gmail once the lady friend gets here. It's funny how daunting this is, even though it's probably not going to be a big deal. I guess everything is harder when it's still unknown.
Well - I'm off to enjoy Hart, MI. Back to the vacation homeland, even though I'll be far away from my family's favored spot. Funny when things come full circle like that.
"R,
This email will eventually have a point, but please bear with me. I'm enjoying work - even though we all do similar things every day, it's nice to work at an office where the people are fun and easy to deal with. I think everything is progressing even more as of late. Unless I go insane or become physically incapable to do the job, I'll be around as long as I can/y'all will let me. Hooray. In that same vein, if anything goes horribly wrong while I'm gone - I'll have my phone to check messages, although it'll likely be off most of the time to save batteries.
Anyway. To get to the point - I'm not in therapy because of my mom. I'm trans. Specifically a trans dude/guy/man/whaaatever. Have been for a long time - free therapy is just a convenient bonus. I'm out to all of my friends, but obviously not at work, and not to my family. So hey, now I am. While I didn't want this letter/email to be a long time in the works, all areas of my life have fallen into the right place. And now (cue ominous movie music), it's time.
I decided to send this right as I was leaving on vacation, to give you time to process it and decide how you'd like to deal with the new information in the office. I'm not super great at having these kinds of conversations face-to-face, either. I'm not really worried that anything bad will happen (hopefully), but it seemed like a good way to handle it. I'm totally fine with you telling anyone related to [work] if you'd like to. I'm also okay with talking to people if need be. I'm going to be sending similar letters/emails to my family after I come back from vacation. So there's no real issue there after Septemberish, and it's not as if my dad really stops by the office and asks about any new pronouns or anything.
Once that's taken care of, I'm going to start hormones. Also, the reason I was absolutely ecstatic about my dad randomly giving me tons of money is that I'm going to use it to pay for top surgery. This will all hopefully be happening as soon as possible. I'm not 100% sure about the all ins and outs of name and gender changes yet (meaning, I know how to change a State ID but not how that compares to changing Payroll information). So until everything is taken care of, using my legal name for special legal things will just have to be an annoying reality. Kinda par for the course when dude (still) looks like a lady.
All of my friends call me Artie - short for Arthur, long for Art. All of these names are fine, but I prefer Artie. Male pronouns as well, please. Occasional slip-ups (from anyone in the office) will be taken in stride. As long as people are trying, I will be happy. I know this isn't a typical office issue, and I hope everyone will be respectful and mature about it. I guess if there's a major problem, I can work for [one of our suppliers] in Canada, land of liberal majesty and acceptance. But I'd prefer to avoid it if possible.
I'll be leaving around 10:30am tomorrow, so if you could send me a quick email (so I know you've read this), that would be great. If you're not in until later, like I said - my phone will be available for messages. Also, my preferred personal email is arthurkosz@gmail.com.
-A"
My boss is way into Aerosmith, which explains the joke. Last I checked, she's cool with transpeople and may have some trans friends. I was able to word the email a little more liberally because of this - with my less knowledgeable family, I plan on getting into a lot of different detail. I've written a draft to my teenage brother like this, and once it's finalized, it'll be up here too.
Maybe I'll open Gmail once the lady friend gets here. It's funny how daunting this is, even though it's probably not going to be a big deal. I guess everything is harder when it's still unknown.
Well - I'm off to enjoy Hart, MI. Back to the vacation homeland, even though I'll be far away from my family's favored spot. Funny when things come full circle like that.
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