Therapy.

I finally made the decision to start seeing a therapist. I had my first session on April 15th, my second on the 24th, and my most recent on the 29th.

I've thought about therapy for a while as my point of no return. It's a lot of money, and it's the first step for any sort of physical transition. Because I've yet to come out to my parents or at work, I decided that toward the end of therapy (before I start taking hormones) would be the time to do it. That way, I'll have rational, objective support and advice during the process.

I'm lucky enough to have the means to pay for a therapist. it's $90 a session, and I've started going weekly. To start hormones (in Illinois at least), you have to see a therapist regularly for three months. Twelve regular sessions, I guess. To have any surgery, it's a year.

I've been to a few meetings with a Chicago-based group for masculine-identified female-born people. There are new topics available for discussion during each meeting. Recently my therapist "L" (who created the group) and her partner (who is an out transman activist) were the guest speakers at one of the meetings. They spoke about their relationships and issues that have come up in the past. L also spoke at a trans caucus at one of the GLBT spaces in Chicago. At both events, I loved what she had to say. I decided that I really wanted to see her as my therapist, and that I would find the money somehow if I had to.

While I don't like the fact that you have to see a therapist to prove that you're trans and not "crazy" or whatever, I don't think it's a terrible thing to have to talk to someone before you change a bunch of things about your body. A lot of dangerous and unhealthy cosmetic surgeries are done without any concern for the person's mental or emotional state. I've heard different opinions on it, and I don't want to go into a long rant or anything. But that said, it's a strange situation to be in.

So far, I think it's going well. I'm able to talk about some things in my personal life, as well as more general topics (like gendered socialization and inter-family relationships). I've been nervous just about every time. It's hard for me to just blab on and on about my personal life, especially with an older stranger that basically holds my future in her hands. But it's relaxing to be seeing someone who cares about these issues, who has actual experience and relevant feedback. I even thanked her for taking me on as a client...which is maybe a weirdo move, but I felt good about it.

As I was trying to post this, Lola by the Kinks started playing on the radio. Rad.