As the days tick away before I come out to my family, I feel like I'm standing in the eye of the storm. There seems to be so much going on, and I can't help but feel like I'm set to jump into a hurricane. I don't know if I've intentionally distanced myself from these things, or who I'm trying to protect if I am.
My dad and stepmom just had a baby. Another boy - which makes three of us in that part of the family. R drove me to visit everyone in the hospital, and we ended up having a fun, if awkward time. No "this is my girlfriend"s, just "have you met R?" introductions with some of my aunts and my stepmom's family. They eventually forced me to hold the new baby, even though I was terrified I'd drop him or something. For some reason, he was calm and sleepy with everyone else, and only started doing wiggly baby aerobics when I held him.
Part of me is really worried that coming out to my family is going to be seen as a grab for attention. I don't think it's founded in much, but it seems like the baby will add stress to my situation, and me coming out will do the same to my dad. But I'm convincing myself that it's a time of "new beginnings" or something. My other brother is going off to college, and while I'm stressing about sending him an email before he goes away, I might just have to roll with it. I have letters written for my paternal aunts and uncles, my college-age brother, and I need to tear through the rest.
Growing up, I saw my dad as some sort of encyclopedia. I used to ask him everything, and he usually had the answer. Sometimes it seems like he knows almost everyone in the city through some avenue. While he was driving me home from lunch last weekend, we were coming up on a small music venue that's down the street from my house. Out of nowhere, he says "Up on the left is [the venue] - the owner and I were on the same track and field team. I remember one time when he beaned this guy for messing with him during a race. I thought to myself, 'this guy is going places.'" When I was growing up, I had always wanted to see the place, especially since I was always too young to get into 21+ shows. The story reminded me of the fact that my dad was once both skinny and a runner - images he doesn't exactly inspire people to see in him now.
My mom was a huge jock growing up, and my parents were both big on volleyball when I was really young. My brother got most of the tall, skinny, sporty genes, and I got the short, Irish, busted everything genes. While I fit the family bill when I was in elementary school, after puberty, everything settled in uncomfortably and I started resembling a potato with long blond hair. I grew out of it somewhat, and once I started eating vegetarian (and finally vegan), I was much healthier and happier by the time I was 18 or so.
In the last few years, I've learned that biking is one of the best things in the universe. When I have a solid, comfortable enough bike available, I ride it everywhere. When my little fleet is screwed up for various reasons, it's extremely frustrating, though I do my best to ride as much as possible. I love the feeling of freedom, the simplicity, and the fact that it costs fairly little to maintain. Unfortunately - I got into a fairly bikeless rut for some time after an accident involving a reverend's minivan. That coupled with a legendary winter sent me into potatoville again. Now that I have hormones and surgery on the horizon, my health is my top priority. Even though I hate dealing with meathead gym employees and gendered locker rooms, I've decided to exercise as much as possible, but at least once a day during the work week. I was able to get a membership at the gym a few blocks from my house. So far so good - maybe when I have a little more testosterone in my system, I can make weightlifting a higher priority. For now, it's running and generally heart-healthy exercise. I guess if I can finally pull this off, I can do something as small as having a conversation with the family.
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